Wednesday, July 23, 2014

1989: The Worst Part 2

A few of the films on my worst list merit a little more attention so in the interest of keeping posts reasonably brief,  I had to split it into two posts.

I think I must have seen this lame comedy at least five or six times when it was on HBO in the 90's.  A relentlessly dumb attempt to make TV stars John Larroquette and Bronson Pinchot movie stars as well, this stars Pinchot as a psychic who is used by P.I. Larroquette to solve crimes.  They stumble onto an alleged kidnapping and really, it's just an excuse for Pinchot to do lots of different voices while Larroquette tries like hell to salvage humor from the thing.  It just doesn't work.

The third American Ninja movie tries to make do without Michael Dudikoff (David Bradley is the lead this time) and the end result is quite the dull movie.  Bradley plays another American soldier with ninja training who teams up with Steve James in the same role he played in the first two to fight a bad guy played by Marjoe Gortner who has an evil plan to use a biological virus and an army of ninjas to back him up.  James is enthusiastic as usual but it's not enough to make up for the bad action scenes and poor pacing.

A dull, flaccid take on Rambo, this comes close to being my least favorite movie of the year.,  Dolph Lundgren is a Russian soldier who it betrayed by his superiors and decides to get a little revenge.  This would be fine if the action were any good up until the last ten minutes (to be fair, the finale is pretty darn great) and the characters were worth caring about.  Lundgren is a cipher, the villains are bland (even Brion James seems uninspired) and the script and pacing are off.  It's also a little weird that in what is supposed to be a real rah-rah U.S.A.-centric action film, the lone American character is a totally unlikable ass played by M. Emmett Walsh.  Weird.

But that's not my pick for worst.  Oh no...

To borrow a line from the late Roger Ebert, I hated this movie.  Hated, hated, hated, hated this movie!

It takes a lot, really a lot for me to outright despise a film but this rancid turd nugget managed to do it. Based on a French comedy, it stars Nick Nolte as a recently paroled bank robber who ends up being taken hostage by bumbling would-be bank robber Martin Short.  They are pursued by James Earl Jones as maybe the dumbest cop I have ever seen and just to make things worse, Short has a young daughter who has never spoken he's looking after.  Jones is convinced Nolte is the hostage taker and the usual stupid road trip crap happens and of course, the film decides to dump the comedy (which to be fair, was flopping like a dying fish anyway) in favor of cheesy pathos with the little kid.  Three Fugitives is cloying, stupid, sappy and worst of all, it takes three actors who I usually enjoy and utterly wastes them.  This might be the worst movie I have ever seen in my life.

Coming Soon: The Guilty Pleasures of 1989

2 comments:

  1. "This might be the worst movie I have ever seen in my life."

    Wow....

    Is it even interesting as a curiosity, or is likely to wear out even THAT appeal? It IS a comedy, after all. There aren't supposed to be many good bad comedies. And, aside from The Birdcage, has Hollywood ever done a French farce remake worth a damn?

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    Replies
    1. I'd say it wears out its welcome after the setup, really. It's just so cloyingly bad that it becomes insufferable. As far as remakes of French comedies go, I thought Three Men and a Baby was okay.

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About Me

I've been a huge fan of action, horror and comedy for as long as I can remember.