Thursday, January 30, 2014

August: The Month of Dumping

The recent Delta Force 2 review I posted got me thinking about the summer doldrums (late July though August) and how once the school year begins to approach and folks stop going to the theater as often, movie studios tend to just throw out their summer leftovers during this time.  August tends to really deliver the goods (or not so goods in this case) when it comes to this as more often than not, you get at least two or three absolute stink burgers.  Sometimes with extra cheese.  I'll be taking a look at a few notable ones here and possibly some from other months in the future.  No Harrison Ford blockbusters, charmingly quirky comedies or sci-fi sleepers today, folks.    No slashers either because, well, that's just too damned easy.  Welcome to cinematic purgatory!

To start things off, this is the main reason Ben Affleck's recent success with The Town and Argo was considered such a huge comeback.  Bafflingly awful, chock full of obnoxious characters, wen even Christopher Walken and Al Pacino aren't enough to save your movie... Damn.

I have to admit I have a certain affection for this one.  Really not that much worse than any of the other big f/x films from the period, it is torpedoed by a bad plot, crappy duck f/x and a Tim Robbins performance so bad that I have to wonder if it's the reason he and Susan Sarandon broke up.

The world's longest, most expensive ad for Dr. Pepper.  Not  a hell of a lot more to say here but I will say that even when I saw this as a kid, I thought it stunk.  Do you realize how boring a giant monster movie has to be to get an eight year old to tune out?

I'm just shocked that after the sixth film, there was any interest in a seventh. 

An E.T. cash-in about six years too late that is really little more than an obnoxious ad for McDonald's.

You will believe that a jungle adventure with a scantily clad Tanya Roberts can be boring as hell!

Now this is what I have in mind when I think of bad August releases.  Dreary, impossibly cheesy action movies that really should have gone straight to cable.  The sort of movie you go see when you're a kid only because you've seen everything else and your mom has company over.

Dear lord, how I hate this movie.  Take two great franchises and smash them into one and somehow, some way, it sucked!

I just love that there was a time when Charles Band films were not only released in theaters, but in 3-D!

We'll finish up with two sword and sorcery films, both bad but for different reasons.

Cashing in on his Hercules: The Legendary Journeys fame, Kevin Sorbo starred in this agreeably cheesy riff on Conan, using another Robert E. Howard character.  Actually, the film is rather entertaining in a brain dead sort of way.

Less entertaining is this tired, crappy attempt to reboot the Conan franchise.  The cast is okay and the f/x are fine but there is just something missing from the whole affair that keeps it from being really good.  In that, it is a prime example of the sort of film that gets dumped into theaters in August.

August is generally a fun time to find really bad, cheesy movies.  We've gone over a few here but there are many, many more.  Also eleven more months to look at.

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About Me

I've been a huge fan of action, horror and comedy for as long as I can remember.