Friday, April 19, 2013

Post 200: 10 Of the Worst Films I've Ever Bought

Wow, post #200!  While some folks would take an opportunity like this to sing their own praises and make themselves look good, I am made of different stuff.  As one might have gathered from reading this blog, I'm a movie buff.  I've seen tons of films and have bought tons.  As with all things, some of those purchases are...less than wise, to put it gently.

Therefore, here are ten of the worst movies I have ever purchased.  One or two of these I've written about elsewhere, some of them I can actually justify but all of them would (and should) make anybody of a sane and rational mind raise a quizzical eyebrow.  Also, there are a few I'm leaving off for space purposes.  These are just ten of the more egregious choices.  I won't be reviewing the films necessarily but rather why the hell I bothered to buy them in the first place.  Yes, rather than taking the piss out of the films, I'll be taking the piss out of the dummy who bought them.  Me.

10. Batman & Robin (1997)


In all fairness, this one really shouldn't count seeing as I bought it as a box set with the other three Burton Schumacher entries.  That being said, Batman and Robin is a genuinely excruciating experience that is both unpleasant visually and aurally.  George Clooney is actually sort of okay as Batman (though he pretty much head-bobs his way through the entire movie which is his go-to signal for "Screw this, time to phone it in") and it is sort of fun to watch Arnold Schwarzenegger ham it up as Mr. Freeze (though he should never be allowed to cry on screen ever again) but everything else is just noise and neon with rubber nipples and molded groins.  Just terrible.

9. Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
Now this one I can sort of justify as it's one of the funniest unintentional comedies of all time and I was thinking of writing an article about it for The Agony Booth at one point (the list of stalled projects I have for that place is immense.  More on that later).  Michael Caine earns money for a new house; shark f/x in 1987 somehow look more primitive than those from 1975, a shark follows Lorraine Gary all the way from New England to the Bahamas in order to avenge its death, a franchise dies and the only reason it's this low on the list is because it's just so damn funny.

8. Hudson Hawk (1991)


Most folks (most being a rather large understatement) hate this Bruce Willis comedy and I freely admit it's not very good but for some ungodly reason, I dig it.  It's tonally confused, way too goofy for its own good and every single frame screams out vanity project but somehow it works for me.  Having said that, there is no sane excuse for me buying the special edition.  Not even writing an article on it for Agony Booth can justify that.

7. The Avengers (1998)

 Equally bizarre is the fact that I paid money for this muddled, confused, utter bore of a movie that tries for the whimsical strangeness of the TV series and misses by a huge margin.  Ralph Fiennes and Uma Thurman look bored, Sean Connery is in "I got a house payment" mode and the whole thing is so confusing that I couldn't even manage to make it into an Agony Booth article.  And I once devoted 12,000 words to Howling II, folks.  I can take confusion!

6. John Carpenter's Ghosts of Mars (2001)


I don't have too many bad habits but one of them is definitely an intensely impulsive nature when it comes to buying movies (I know, from a guy who purchased The Avengers and Hudson Hawk that's a shock), especially when the film is from a director I genuinely admire.  John Carpenter is maybe my favorite director of all time (at least if you count his output up to 1988 plus In the Mouth of Madness) and I was dying to catch his 2001 sci-fi horror epic Ghost of Mars.  The premise sounded cool, the cast was cool...sort of, and I damn near drove the poor bastard at Blockbuster crazy trying to find it.  I should have let it be and caught it on TNT.  God, is that film a stinker!  I almost feel sorry for having driven the clerk nuts, but then again he was a bit of an ass anyhow and the service at that particular store was sub-par at best.  Customer service is vital folks, vital.

5. Casino Royale (1967)


Now being the huge James Bond fan that I am, owning this terrible spoof is somewhat understandable.  It's loud, it's stupid and there are maybe only one or two real laughs in the entire 130 minute running time but still, it's Bond so I can justify it on that level.  What's a little shaky is that I not only own the first version that was released, but also the 2007 collector's edition.  I don't know, I just don't know.

And now, we really get to the part where my sanity/intelligence/worth as a member of the species comes into question.

4. Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation


I sort of planned on doing something on the franchise as a whole but that never panned out but what really makes this an unconscionable purchase is that I watched this non cable one bleary eyed Friday night in college...And I hated it.  Every single stupid, annoying, shrill, nonsensical moment.  Like the other sequels, it's essentially a loose remake of the original but here Leatherface turns out to be a cross-dresser, Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger find a reason to fire their agents and the big twist has something to do with the Illuminati and a fear experiment.  And for some reason, even though I have no plans on doing that article (since I'd have to cover the recent reboots as well which is another story altogether), I own this piece of crap.

3. The Haunting


This may be the most inexcusable entry since I saw this in the theater and loathed it.  I can't even tell you why I bought the VHS, it's just...I can't explain it.  The film is, as anyone who has seen it can attest, is awful with no scares, too much CGI and no reason for existing.  The only reason this is not #1 is that the last two are worse quality wise, and the stories behind my owning them are more amusing.

2. Leonard Part 6


Yes, I, a man who likes to consider himself rather picky when it comes to comedy, owns a movie so awful that even the star told people not to go see it when it came out in theaters.  Bill Cosby was right, as this is maybe the worst comedy I've ever tried to sit through.  It's so un-funny that the only way to wring a single laugh from it is to tell you how I came to own it.

The market I work at carries DVDs.  Some new releases, but for the most part we have a smattering of catalog titles that the studio could only pawn off on a supermarket.  One evening, it was a bit on the quiet side and I saw that this monstrosity was stocked, for the very low price of $3.33.  Seeing that I was the closer that evening, I decided to purchase the film after my shift, as it is much easier to justify a purchase like that after midnight than before.  Needless to say, my co-workers were perplexed and to honest, I am too.  Not sure what the hell I was thinking, I just had to see it for myself.


1. Mad Dog Time

 Just having to see it for myself is also the reason I paid for this, an incomprehensibly bad crime comedy from 1996 that ended up on Siskel & Ebert's worst of the year show.  I can't even describe the plot as I'm fairly certain there is none to be found.  It's just long stretches of pointless dialogue punctuated by someone getting shot.  Odd as it may seem, having two noted film critics take a film out behind a barn and beat it senseless makes me want to see the damned thing...And I did.  The video store I used to frequent had it on clearance, discounted to $2.50 from $5.00.  I often wonder what that money could have gone to if I hadn't spent it on an abysmal Tarantino knock-off made by Richard Dreyfuss and a bunch of other talented actors who should have known better, as should I.  Maybe I am crazy.

Nah!

Thanks for reading, more to come soon.

2 comments:

  1. Great post! Seen a bunch of these...you're absolutely right about Batman and Robin and Ghosts Of Mars (Which should have been awesome). Major Duds.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ghosts of Mars is the one that hurt the most. I don;t know how that managed to be as bad as it was.

      Delete

About Me

I've been a huge fan of action, horror and comedy for as long as I can remember.